i keep saying i don't want to work. that this year isn't the time yet. and i wonder really, will that time ever come?

i really can't answer that. i'm not ready to settle down into a regular, rigid and mundane cycle. i love the irregularity of my life now. i owe an answer to no one. and there isn't a real need for me to be anywhere, other than studying for my exams, turning up and getting the grade i want.

i realise the reason why i fear work, is not that i fear work in general. i fear work in spore. especially conventional jobs in spore, which a lawyer kinda smacks of. and seeing the lack of enthusiasm i've had for most law subjects in general, like BA, tort and trusts. with a slight interest in contracts and an overwhelming love for public international law. i can so see myself falling into the trap of being a commercial litigator because i can and i think i'm relatively good at, but not something i love and have this burning passion for. but at the same time, i've got no option really. if i want to work for the UN as a lawyer, i'm stuck.

the idea of falling into that mindless cycle that is work life in spore scares the shit out of me. even after three years of insane traveling, the hunger to see the world and have my breath taken away still burns in me. i want to be spontaneous, and still be young and crazy. just because i start work, doesn't mean i can't fly off to thailand for the weekend and go lie on the beach for like 2 days and find some cute beach fling. hahaha.

i don't understand why sporeans believe that starting work means 'growing up' and having to act like a proper adult. fuck, i reject the idea of being 'grown up' and an 'adult'. i think i'm going to spend the rest of my life rejecting it, even when i'm a grandmother. snorts. everything becomes insignificant. dating, marriage and children become this obligatory life ritual, and you go along ticking the boxes, trying to get them all before you turn 30. dates out become the mind-blowingly boring, passion killing obligatory dinner and date. shopping at orchard road on saturday, movie on sunday. on valentine's day the standard roses, romantic gift (rolls eyes), overpriced, bad quality dinner. massive expensive dinner on your yearly anniversary. everything becomes a fucking obligation. you do it because you have to. gifts start having to become more and more expensive. branded goods, significant jewelry.

god, what happens to the sweet handmade, handwritten, heartfelt stuff. things that are original and filled with sincerity, love and originality.

and then either you lose touch with your friends when you get married, because 'family is more important', 'husband is my world' or 'i have no time', or outings just revolve around a meal once every two weeks or once a month. like a mindless ritual. so then what happens if something happens and you're all alone again. yeah, you're really alone.

i want to work in a job that i love, that helps me accomplish what i want to do in life, allows me to travel, and allows me to be with people that feel the same as me. and i honestly can't see that in spore. and i'm not sure i can deal with that.

great. from ranting about jobs in general, i've gone on to rant about life in general. haha. what to do what to do.

is this a quarter-life crisis? hahaha